She hit me! That crazy bitch punched me right in the soul!

I used to take offense to that word, bitch. I decried misogyny, before I even knew the word ‘misogyny’ (or the word ‘decry’). So insulting, so degrading. As I sought my way in the world, I found that some women wore ‘bitch’ as a badge of honor, like a tattoo. Some even wore a ‘bitch’ tattoo. When did those women stop caring about their internal appearance? ‘Bitch’ became a nickname, an associative label, and eventually a distorted tagline. Today, it’s a common invective, with an oddly amicable aftertaste. I’m sure there are some out there who still take offense to being called a bitch, but it surely doesn’t have the bite that it once had, even just 20 years ago. In my formative years, the ones who wore the ‘bitch’ star and their mothers’ revolvers in low-slung holsters were the exceptions. Today, the rarity is the pure woman, the humble woman, the content woman.

What the fuck happened?

The one New Year’s Goal that I have been able to stick to, for the most part, is about not letting outside forces control how I react to things. I am NOT the foil of some cosmic sit-com, despite the laugh-track from my socially stunted brothers. (hey, I kid!) Unfortunately, this goal also keeps me from ‘putting it in God’s hands’. That’s just weakness, essentially. I am constantly on Nick’s case about how he reacts to things – it only gets HIM into trouble. I figure I should lead by example. I have not uttered my infamous Rant of Helplessness in quite some time, which used to reference the giant joke on poor lil me.

Still, I find it difficult to focus on writing when there are so many uncertainties going on in my life. That further frustrates me about the time in my life when I HAD a job – there were few frustrations, so I should have done more writing. I try to avoid looking backward, but it’s better to regret the things one has done, rather than regret the things one has NOT done.

I need to overcome that hesitation, though. I always wanted to avoid that pain that I knew creative minds had to go through, always thought I could separate myself from it, my work from my life. My life is what I should be writing about, though. That’s where the struggle, the change, and the depth really are.

I’ve wanted to be a writer for about 8 years now, seriously thought that I could do it. I haven’t, so maybe it’s time to put up or shut up. Do it. Or do not. There is not try.

And maybe (maybe!) it’s time to put the Star Wars references to bed.

Phantom Fears

This is the start of week 8. I still do not have a job-even a part time job. Kmart had me in for a 2nd interview about 3 weeks ago, but still have not called me for orientation. I’m also awaiting a call back from Savers. I applied at Costco, who I heard pays more than minimum. These are just the part time prospects. I’ve also applied for a number of librarian positions, including University of Michigan. There was a job posting for a librarian at Marvel Comics in New York. How cool would that be!?! Unfortunately, it was an unpaid intern position….

Now, however, I’m actually THINKING. This posit came to me before I lost the job – if you could do anything you wanted for a living, what would it be? I didn’t really know then, and I’m not so sure now; but at least I’m THINKING about it now. Writing? Hockey referee or coach? Computer networks? Of course, it’s not that easy because I have other considerations before I go off and do something just because I think I want to do it for a living.

So two weeks of excitement was followed by five weeks of aimlessness. Now I have a schedule for the day (which still includes writing) and I have a goal – figure out what I want to do.

Then DO IT.

RSWR #12

On a visit to Chicago in December, we ate some amazingly thick pizza at Giordano’s, on the Magic Mile. The receipt indicated that our order was #66. Order 66.

RSWR #11

Bad Star Wars costumes.

Some of these are actually cool.

Not Boba Fat; He was not cool when Jason and I first saw him at Celebration II in 2002.

RSWR #10

Star Wars Fad Products

I’m not necessarily down with the ‘Fad’ classification. To me they’re just a handful of the wacky licenses that were thrown about like confetti. Confetti cut from LucasBucks.

--I had the Darth Vader belt buckle. I was stylin’ at the age of 9!
I’ve never seen Luke’s ceremonial jacket, but the Star Wars fan club offered both Luke’s Bespin jacket and Han’s vest!
--Our whole family went through the latch-hook rug fad around 1980. I had the stormtrooper – it was huge – probably 3’ tall! I only ever finished about 1/3 of it, so I was intimately familiar with the maroon and dark blue little threads! It was eventually (recently?) discarded.
--I played the heck outta that floppy record from the fan club. I sold that and my other Bantha Tracks newsletters to a fan in Western Europe, via Ebay, some years ago.
--The 3-D comics I recently acquired on Ebay; Poor stories and poor 3-D quality, but certainly unique.
--I had a handful of promo and foil cards from the early 90s. I sold a full set of Galaxy I foils. Ebay, yeah.
--I certainly remember the pog fad, but it coincided with the early stages of my Rebellion against the Collecting Craze, so I never had any.
--Nick recently read the only Galaxy of Fear holo-covered book I have. It was acquired late in the game for a paltry yard-sale sum. The X-men comics of the day were the holo-covers I recall most dearly.
--Sweet Boba Fett jacket. In the days of actually PLAYING roller hockey, one guy had a Fett logo sticker, which I didn’t realize at the time was a Fett logo. I've since seen similar tattoos that attest to the popularity of the original Fett.
--The beanie buddies were, I believe, my children’s introduction to Star Wars. They were about 2 (24 months in infant years). Nick had the R2-D2. Jackie had the Chewbacca, which sat on her stuffed animal shelf longer than Nick’s was around. She called it “Beekabacca” and to this day she periodically asks “How did I used to say it?” Yes, she makes me smile.

RSWR #9

As noted here, we love to watch “The Big Bang Theory.” This week’s episode features Sheldon’s mislabeled and incongruous attempt at mockery following Penny’s disdainful sneer at the hot new neighbor. Sheldon offers up his version of Admiral Ackbar’s line, recently lionized by Robot Chicken’s Star Wars Special. “It’s a trap!” Multiple comedic repetitions later, my daughter catches on to the hilarity. Of course we’ve all seen the Robot Chicken version, so she knows how to make her daddy laugh. She asks what the following line is, and I give her my best Jimmy Stewart-with-gills -- “All craft pull up!” It’s hard to describe her version in audiologic terms – let’s just say it sounds like someone doing a bad imitation of someone doing a bad imitation.

This morning, during breakfast, she mumbles something. Jennifer’s laughing even as I ask Jackie “What?” Jackie repeats, “Itsch a tchrap! All schips pull up!”

Sharp as a tack, that girl. She makes me proud.